Added: Darick Verville - Date: 13.01.2022 09:45 - Views: 45228 - Clicks: 1163
A problem some people have when they're trying to make friends is they lose interest in others quickly. The issue may crop up early. They may meet a potential friend at a party, have a good conversation and talk about hanging out sometime, then be over the idea when it's time to follow through. The loss of interest can strike later on, but still too soon.
Someone may meet a new friend and hang out over month or two, then suddenly grow tired of the relationship. A related problem, that happens even earlier, is when you feel disinterested in initially chatting to people and trying to get to know them. I cover that here:. This article will list of a bunch of possible reasons you may be losing interest in people faster than you'd like. It will focus on friendships, but many of the explanations can also apply to romantic relationships. After that it will offer some solutions. If any of these apply to you they're often unconscious.
If you already knew why you were losing interest in friends so easily you wouldn't be here.
Though it is possible to have these motivations or patterns, and be fully aware of what's going on. While I can present some possibilities, I clearly can't tell you which, if any, of them are a factor in your case. You'll have to try to figure that out for yourself, through a mix of self-reflection, paying more attention to the dynamics of your relationships, or asking other people for their thoughts and feedback.
If you lose interest in people easily you may worry there's something wrong with you. However, it's possible you don't get excited about most people because the ones you're meeting aren't a good match. This is especially likely if you're younger, quirky or non-mainstream, and you live in a smaller or more traditional town. You may be trying to force friendships with your incompatible or half-compatible classmates and co-workers, and can only keep them up for days or weeks.
That's okay, assuming you're respectful about parting ways once you realize they're not right for you. But if you don't realize you're in the process of casting around for what you want, you can worry there's something off about you for churning through different friends or social groups so quickly.
Maybe only the rare person is able to hold your interest. Assuming you're not rude or snobby about it, there's nothing inherently wrong with having higher standards, though it can be impractical. There are risks to trying to make friends, and some people are more afraid of them than others. It's beyond the scope of this article to delve into why someone may have these fears to begin with, but here they are:. Fears related to being hurt Your new friends may reject you once they get to know you just a little better i.
Sometimes we don't want to acknowledge we have these fears, and use unconscious defense mechanisms to avoid them. One is to mysteriously lose interest in the relationship right before it would start to get scary or difficult. Some people adopt a face saving attitude to justify their choices to themselves, like they may see themselves as a choosy, aloof rogue who's above it all. This is another way fear can influence you.
You may feel nervous around the type of person you'd actually like to be friends with, to the point where you don't even try. Instead you socialize with people you feel comfortable around. That saves you from the unpleasant anxiety, but the cost is you're hanging around people who can't hold your attention for long. If your mood is sad and discouraged, even a little, it can make you feel more grumpy, critical, and pessimistic.
It can also cause you to have less interest in the things you normally enjoy. That can create a pervasive mentality of, "Blech, no one I meet excites me. No one's good enough. Even if I meet someone who seems okay, it always peters out before long. For example, you know you're legitimately stagnating and unfulfilled in your current job and city, and that what you really need to do is move away and get a fresh start.
You can't seem to hold an interest in anyone because you unconsciously realize none of it matters. You don't care about making new friends in town. You're counting down the days until you can leave. We differ in how much socializing we can do before we start to feel drained and want some alone time to recharge.
If your social battery is smaller, and you hang out with a new friend a tad too much, everything may feel fine at first, but under the surface you're slowly building a "recovery time" debt. When it grows big enough you may get a feeling of, "Ugh, I don't care about this person anymore.
I'm sick of them. I just want to spend a bunch of time alone. You don't have many friends, if any at all. Deep down you're honestly okay with that. But you've heard one too many societal messages about how less-social people are defective, so you're half-heartedly trying to change. But you're going after something you don't really want, so you find yourself losing interest in the people you meet.
You're less-social in the sense that sometimes you want to be around people and have more friends, but there are other stretches in your life where you're happy to be left to your own devices. During the times when you're feeling more social you may meet some people and develop a fledgling friendship or two.
But before long the tide turns, and you're not into it anymore. This isn't to say that with the right conversation skills you can become interested in everybody, or that it's your fault if someone doesn't intrigue you. No one is enthralled by everyone they meet. However, some conversation styles can prevent you from seeing the interesting sides of people. For example: Over-relying on dull, impersonal small talk topics Focusing on yourself, never asking about the other person Not listening much when the other person is speaking Never following up on their conversation thre, and always bringing to topic back to what you want to talk about Trying to turn every discussion into a random joke-fest Shutting people down when they try to open up to you by making fun of them, implying they're weak for feeling that way, seeming bored, etc.
You don't know how to build deeper, more satisfying friendships You're okay at initially befriending people, but you don't know how to move it past that early, more surface level. Some people are perfectly happy to have longstanding friendships where they do activities, joke around, and talk about their hobbies, but never get to know each other on a more intimate level. Others are okay with a less-close relationship for a few months, then feel a need to move on. For example, there's not enough in-depth, intellectual conversation in your life.
It's frustrating and you have less tolerance for light small talk. If you start getting to know someone and the interaction sticks to fluffy topics for too long you lose interest in taking things further. If you were getting your "intellectual discussion" fix elsewhere you wouldn't have been so quick to give up on them.
There are several ways this can happen, but here's one example: For whatever someone gives off a compassionate "helper" vibe that draws in needy people. The relationships they form are fine for a little while, but gradually, subtly become tiring and one-sided. They aren't conscious that's what's putting them off, and just feel like they always grow less keen to keep their friendships going after a few months.
People who have certain types of tough childhoods can struggle with relationships as adults. A common one is being raised by distant, unavailable parents. Growing up it becomes "normal" for them to chase attention and approval from figures who give it out rarely and inconsistently.
Later in life if they meet someone who likes and accepts them straight away it feels vaguely wrong, and they find themselves losing interest, even if they logically realize that person is a good match for them. Some people make a dazzling first impression, but as you get to know them you realize that underneath their charming exterior they're actually selfish, self-absorbed, undermining, mean-spirited, unstable, and so on. You may tend to fall for this type of person, but then pull away when you unconsciously sense their true colors are starting to show.
On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation. Starting a friendship isn't as intoxicating as beginning a new romance, but there can still be an exciting honeymoon period. Eventually the high wears off. Most people take it in stride and continue with the relationship.
Others view the come down as a loss of interest, and seek out someone else to give them that "new friend" rush again. This point is similar to the last. This pattern is more commonly seen with dating, but can play out in friendships as well. You have unrealistic expectations for how interested you should be in new friends You may have a typical level of interest in your friends, but you interpret it as being low because you're not head over heels fascinated by everything about them.
You may have picked up a faulty belief that you should feel super excited about all your new buddies. Some people say they lose interest in new friendships when they feel like they know everything about a friend and there are no more surprises left. However, they mistakenly believe they can have someone completely mapped out within a month or two. For example, maybe you're pleasant at first, but once you become more comfortable with someone your sense of humor becomes too cutting.
Your friends can tell when you've gotten meaner and start to pull away and be more closed-off. They're not going to act loose and spontaneous, or open up about their insecurities, if they know you're going to make a harsh "joke".Intersted in meeting someone new
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